What is “Happily Ever After”? Considering it is my 8th Wedding Anniversary I though it only appropriate to write a blog on Marriage….. The truth is Marriage is a full time job, and there are days when you would like … Continue reading
Ruth Barker is certainly no ordinary women, having faced many of life’s biggest challenges and making her way though with guts and determination that is palpable. This is a woman who knows her capabilities and doesn’t let anything stand in her way. As an ICU nurse I have been witness to many organ transplants and what most of the public is unaware of is the months of pain and continual ups and downs patients go through whilst waiting to see if the transplant is successful or rejected – it is a journey that rocks people to the core and IF they make it through they are changed forever. Ruth has courageously made it through and shares some of her journey with us. Ruth is wife to Kevin and the owner of Toddler Education Services and Montessori 1:1, as well as team leader/ director of the Ruth Barker Project – Raising awareness of organ donation for children and their families.
1. Define yourself in 3 words:
Stoic, Organised, Pedantic
2. Tell us about your business in a few sentences:
TODDLER EDUCATION SERVICES
*The parenting 5 – simple parenting books for families – practical and independent little people, sensory motor play for little people, language and literacy, the mathematical mind and the world around.
*In home and care consultation 1:1 with parents and carers.
*Parenting and carer/teacher seminars on topics including preparing home environments, how to play with little kids, behaviour management, Montessori on a budget and an overview of Montessori.
*Fiction for little people – including Ed the Ted Picture Book
MONTESSORI 1:1
*Private practice in Gilberton working with preschoolers, early literacy for reception and year one and special needs tutoring.
THE RUTH BARKER PROJECT
*Raising awareness of organ donation for children and their families – production of tools to teach about organ donation. Ed the Ted bear for Preschool, Ed the Ted Book and animation for Junior Primary and stickers, posters and a you tube film for teenagers and adults.
3. What is the best thing about owning your own business:
Independence! I am a little pedantic too… so like to have my own space…
4. If you could go back to the day it started and you could tell yourself one thing what would it be:
Stick to your beliefs and don’t let anyone steer you from your chosen path – believe in yourself.
5. What is the most helpful piece of advice anyone has given you:
My 86 year old Dad gave me this advice years ago and I live by it ‘Life Is full of peaks and troughs. One has to walk the valleys to get up the mountains’.
6. What is one tip you would give for balancing your family/personal life with your work life:
Organise your home! I write on the subject. This includes all parts of the home for adults and children and includes as the basis a family budget. Without basic organisation there will be chaos no doubt! Especially imperative for little children between 1 and 4 who are finding their way to independence.
7. When I look back on my career I remember:
How hard I fought for my life and just how far I have come despite! I am bloody proud of myself.
8. When you are down in the dumps how do you get yourself back up:
It’s all in the mind! One must delve deep for their inner strength. At the end the only person who can help you, is you! And Pilates….love it!
9. What couldn’t you live without:
My husband Kevin, my rock, my love, my life (and my two kittens…). Red wine helps too!
10. What is the quality you love most about your partner/husband:
Oh God! Now I don’t have one…. he’s just the world to me, kind, bloody bright, on the ball, doesn’t take any crap from others, he’s walked a damn long road with me and I love him like it was yesterday that we met (which was January 2 1997 in the Sari club in Bali).
11.What is one of the proudest moments of your life:
Waking up after a bi lateral lung transplant 21 months ago and having that breathing tube out! Knowing I survived 41 years of horrid terminal disease! There are others, Uni was a big one after spending so much of my life in hospital as a child).
12. What is one of the saddest moments of your life? And what helped you get through it:
Without doubt, the death of my mother at 10 years old – and no I didn’t get through it! Drink, drugs, self-harm and serious suicide thoughts. I whisked myself off to Europe at 22 to run away for 4 or so years – I came back with a better headspace after seeing ‘life’.
13. What gets you fired up:
Ignorance and laziness. I don’t do woe is me types, especially when I can see a clear path for them but they refuse to acknowledge it.
14. Which three things would you take on an island for one week:
Kevin, Daisy and Jarvis – simple – the rest does not matter – Kevin tells me I need to exchange one of the cats for his surfboard!
15. Funniest moment:
When my uncle used to call me his ‘little galah’ when I was small – I was always cracking jokes and laughing…
16. Favourite quote:
‘Unless you’ve walked someone’s journey don’t judge, for you have no idea’
17. What’s the #1 most played song:
At the moment – Alive by Empire of the Sun – It’s the track on the RUTH BARKER PROJECT short film about how we feel after organ transplant.
18.What sound do you love:
Water flowing in nature…
19. If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?
I would stay here in my early 40’s. I’m healthy and I don’t take crap from others.
20. What would you name the autobiography of your life:
‘That was tricky but I damn well made it!’
21. What was the last experience that made you a stronger person:
Two things – umpteen IVF cycles after cancer (which all failed) and then a bi lateral lung transplant and the proceedings that have followed including public speaking and beginning THE RUTH BARKER PROJECT – I just have to get on with it because kids, teens and young adults need me!!
22. What has helped you make your way through unsuccessful IVF cycles:
Frankly, I had bigger concerns because my Cystic Fibrosis took over, however, in the first instance I was not really that concerned by it but by cycle number 5 out of 17, I began to get emotional.
23. What would you tell someone who is just starting IVF:
Go in with realistic expectations – it doesn’t work for everyone. And secondly never to IVF when you are already under stress. My transplant doctor said to me “gorgeous seeds, bad soil” – in other words, we made beautiful embryos but my body was under too much stress from CF to carry them.
24. What do you wish someone had told you about IVF:
That people are naïve about it! When I first started IVF people would make jokes, they are no longer my friends. And also, be prepared for anxiety. Have good relaxation techniques in hand.
25. Anything else you would like to add:
Life can be a long hard road. The only person who will get you through is you. If you can’t find the inner strength then go get help from a professional, woe is me is never good for anyone.
Rebecca Paul is a Principal Counsellor at Eshé Counselling. She has been counselling for over 10 years and is passionate about helping individuals achieve the best LIFE possible. Rebecca specialises in all things “she” related including marriage and relationships and provides the space and expertise for women navigating through a variety of issues. You can see her website here http://www.eshecounselling.com.au or book an appointment by calling her on this number 0433 792 705
I needed Katy Perry today! I had a quick break in between my appointments and I decided it was TIME, it was time to purchase some new bathers – for the cruise I am going to be on in less than four weeks!!!
I wandered through Myers looking at all the stunning colours and styles that were very 2013 and dare I say very CRUISE like. But I had a moment that made me stop looking at the swimsuits and question why I was standing in front of the ALL shades of black variety? No guesses required.
So I walked out and went and bought myself a coffee to reflect.
And this is what it sounded like:
By this stage I felt like rubbish, every insecurity was playing furiously in its own playground – MY MIND. So I did what any good Counsellor does…gave myself some therapy….and here is how it went:
So with that new found truth, I walked straight back into Myers. If I could have, I would have had the music belting out all through the store “I GOT THE EYE OF THE TIGER” cheering me on, as I purchased a stunning Seafolly Magenta (HOT PINK) frilled halter neck number. #BOOM.
So my message is simple: Comparison is a thief. Skinny does not replica beauty. Be HEALTHY and happy. Don’t miss out on life and its experiences and opportunities because of your “self talk”. Challenge yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be realistic. But mostly be the BEST version of you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
So get your ROAR on…
Lisa
x x x
Lisa Bondarenko is a Principal Counsellor at Eshé Counselling. She has been Counselling for over 5 years and specialises in all things “she” related including marriage and relationships, infertility and grief and loss and provides the space and expertise for women navigating through a variety of issues. You can see her website here http://www.eshecounselling.com.au or book an appointment by calling her on this number 0430 599 545 or email eshe@adam.com.au
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I had the cringe worthy experience of watching the first night of “The Bachelor” last night.
Don’t get me wrong I was hooked, but gee it was like watching a car crash.
Particularly the behaviour of Ali. This poor girl is obviously so keen for this to work out that she is going a little OTT early! I’m sure there were many people talking to their screens when she approached the Bachelor for the second time, “No No Ali, don’t do it! You’ve made a good impression, and you’re a beautiful young lady who is about to step over the line and display to the nation some fairly neurotic behaviour.” And then she went in for the snog, ahhhh I couldn’t watch. So what happened? Well what I imagine happened, was a fairly intense conversation in her head about what she should do. And not having any friends to bounce the idea off, it was left for her to work out and it played out, by her looking somewhat neurotic and desperate.
We can all be neurotic at times; (neurotic: overanxiousness often driven by our unconscious) that is, our thoughts run wild and we think or act in ways that aren’t helpful. The first key to interrupting neurotic behaviour in understanding what we are thinking.
Good questions to break neurotic behaviour are: What am I thinking? Is that true? Is that 100% true?
The conversation I would have loved to have had with Ali last night would have gone a little something like this………
Me: Miss Ali, what are you so worried about?
Ali: I’m not sure I’ve made enough of an impression to get a rose, he is giving out roses to other girls, I want to get one.
Me: Ali, you are a very attractive girl with a gentle spirit, you have already spoken with him and it seemed to go well.
Ali: Yeah it did go well.
Me: How do you feel when you think it went well?
Ali: Hopeful
Me: How do you feel when you think you haven’t done enough?
Ali: Panicked
Me: So which thought are you going to choose?
The roses are in his hand, but how you feel at the moment is entirely in yours.
Most of the time the answer to neurotic actions lies in our thoughts, choosing helpful thoughts over unhelpful thoughts. But both are available all the time, it comes down to which ones YOU choose.
Rebecca Paul is a Principal Counsellor at Eshé Counselling. She has been counselling for over 10 years and is passionate about helping individuals achieve the best LIFE possible. Rebecca specialises in all things “she” related including marriage and relationships and provides the space and expertise for women navigating through a variety of issues. You can see her website here http://www.eshecounselling.com.au or book an appointment by calling her on this number 0433 792 705
Jen and Jake – The Secret
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I have loved poring over the pictures in the latest Woman’s day of Jake and Jen, so in love, so gorgeous, the start of what seems like a fairy tale. Oh how nice it would be to have endless amounts of cash to create the perfect day in the perfect venue. But what seemed really clear throughout is that these are two people who really LIKE each other. They are friends, partners and lovers. They’ve had their ups and downs and 9 years later here they are on their wedding day.
You know how some couples are just so lovely together, you wonder what it is that makes their connection so strong, even after they have been together for years? Well let me share the secret, it’s friendship. The most crucial and important ingredient to any enduring relationship is friendship, everything stems from that. When we are friends we like each other, we laugh together we have fun together, and we like to be together. We know we have our flaws and so do our partners but friends help each other negate these flaws, they always have our backs and there is a mutual love and respect. Friendship is what brings us together in the first place, we like hanging out together, we share mutual interests, we have fun together and then we decide we want to be in a relationship, and then spend the rest of our lives together.
Then often comes children and ‘busy busy busy’, with the friendship often getting left behind. The friendship however, must be prized, because that is what brought us together, the thing that holds us together, and without it, the missing piece that makes it very hard to stay together.
Often we hear the saying “we treat the ones we love the worst” and this saying just needs to be smashed out of the ball park! Yes it’s true that the ones closest to us see us warts and all, but it’s the ones closest to us that we need to treat the best, because they are the most special ones in our lives. Why on earth would we treat our friends with more respect, kindness and tolerance than we treat our life partners?
Often when couples come to counselling the ingredient that is most often missing is friendship.
If we are friends then it’s harder to be unkind to each other and a lot of hurts and betrayals stem from being unkind. Also when infidelity occurs more often than not it starts from someone showing interest, kindness or friendship to someone. If you want to bullet proof your relationship for the long haul and be one of those couples that just have it, then let me give you the secret – friendship. Be good friends. How you might ask?
FRIENDSHIP = CONNECTION= INTIMACY=PASSION.
EVERYTHING flows from friendship; love, passion, intimacy. If you want to know how to get some passion back in your relationship, get back to being friends. When we are friends we like each other and we feel connected, when we feel connected we feel like being intimate and from intimacy passion happens.
Often couples come to counselling because the passion has gone from their relationship. The key to getting it back is in their friendship.
I love the analogy of a fire, with the fire being passion in a relationship. In order to have a hot fire you need lots of wood; and in a relationship, that wood is friendship. If you want to have a great fire, you need lots of wood; if you want passion, you need friendship.
Couples who come for counselling often remark that, “We wish we had come sooner”, and “I wish I knew this stuff earlier.”
So don’t be shy, we aren’t scary and honestly if we serviced our relationships as often as we serviced our cars we could half the divorce rate. Most things are solvable, it’s the stuff that gets swept under the carpet that trips people up eventually.
Rebecca Paul is a Principal Counsellor at Eshé Counselling. She has been counselling for over 10 years and is passionate about helping individuals achieve the best LIFE possible. Rebecca specialises in all things “she” related including marriage and relationships and provides the space and expertise for women navigating through a variety of issues. You can see her website here http://www.eshecounselling.com.au or book an appointment by calling her on this number 0433 792 705
Eshe Counselling 